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To contact us: |
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Caring for Aging Parents |
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1656 Coles Blvd. Portsmouth, Ohio 45662 |
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¨ The average American woman can expect to spend 18 years caring for an older family member, compared to spending 17 years caring for her children. ¨ Almost 40% of all U.S. workers are more involved with caring for a parent than a child.
This puts that middle generation that has both children and parents in the very challenging position of having to perform a juggling act to balance everything. However, there are some steps you can take to prepare for the unwavering fact that your parents are aging and may potentially need greater focus and attention from you.
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The most important thing you can do is to learn about your parents needs and wishes now, before a crisis arrives. It is helpful to categorize these needs and wishes into several areas: Personal Goals: How do your parents feel about being independent? What is important to them at this stage of their lives? Do they have goals or dreams that they haven’t yet reached? How important is location to them, i.e. close to friends versus close to family? Are there health concerns that might dictate location? Housing: How important is it that mom and dad stay in their home? What choices would they make if they can no longer stay at home? What about living with a family member? What about a retirement community or assisted living facility? What is important to them? Trust: As parents age, there will likely come a time when others have to step in to make decisions in their behalf. Are there children or relatives whom they trust, or perhaps someone they do not trust? Documents like living wills or power or attorney should be dealt with early and involve someone your parents trust. Legal: Speaking of documents, your aging parents should make sure their legal affairs are in order and understood by the family. Financial: Spending some time understanding your parents’ financial status is critical. Is their insurance up to date? What are their short-term and long-term financial needs and resources. Healthcare: Which health care providers are used by your parents? What is the current state of their health? What is the prognosis? Does your parent have a living will or other health care directives in place? If not, should they?
Talking About The Future Now that the important issues have been defined, it’s important to begin the dialogue and to keep communications flowing as circumstances change. In dealing with these sometimes sensitive issues with your aging parents, there are some tried and true pointers for having a productive talk. Don’t Procrastinate: The sooner you begin talking about these issues, the more time there is to understand and react. Waiting until there is a crisis is a common, but unproductive, way of dealing with aging issues. Be Sensitive: Dealing with these issues is important, but it can be a little overwhelming for your parents. Talking about long-term issues can be stressful—it acknowledges their mortality. So don’t let yourself become an interrogator. Work through the issues carefully. Accept Your Feelings: The increasing frailty of elderly patients can become a daily reminder of their mortality (and our own mortality). We may need to adjust our perception of our parents. Making this change can be emotionally painful. It is not easy to accept that “my father is no longer the strong and powerful man he once was” or “my mother, who was an excellent cook, no longer desires (or remembers how) to cook.” Most painful may be the realization that the parent you once relied on is now increasingly dependent on you. Start with Open Ended Questions: Rather than asking questions like, “How much does your pension provide if you are in a rest home?” try something more open ended like “What do you still want to accomplish?” It is important to establish communications early and to be sure you understand before you start taking action. Break It Up: Don’t expect to deal with all the issues and questions in one sitting. Take the time to cover all the important areas without overwhelming your parents. It will also help you see interrelationships among issues if you take them in smaller bites with some time between to review and absorb the information. Don’t Bring Up The Painful Past: In many families, there are unresolved issues between parents and their adult children. This is not the time to seek either retribution or reconciliation. Consider Mediation: If you are having a tough time broaching the subject or getting a response from your parents, you may want to look at getting outside help. A trusted third party such as an attorney, a close mutual friend, a social worker, a physician or a family therapist may be a good place to start. Don’t Make Promises: Be careful not to make promises such as “We’ll never put you in a nursing home” or “you can always live with us.” You may not be able to live up to such promises. What may seem like the best solution now may not be for the best five or ten years from now when your parents’ health circumstances—or your own—change. Unfulfilled promises often can lead to feelings of guilt, mistrust, and disappointment. Become Educated and Aware: Learn about the community resources that are available to assist you in caring for your aging parent. Don’t be in a big hurry to take your parents under your wing, however long mom has her mind, let her use it. As long as dad has legs, let him push them to the limit. As long as she has ideas, let her develop them. As long as dad has opinions, let him express them. As long as parents have a purpose, let them be. |